Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''
and she proceeded to close the door..

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration..''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

[BubbleGumTiger]

"As an American I am not so shocked that Obama was given
The Nobel Peace Prize without any accomplishments to his
Name, because America gave him the White House based on
The same credentials."

~Newt Gingrich

[BubbleGumTiger]

Thought for the day... Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber content , not the toy.

[Charley Hustle]

Poor Herman Cain. He says the only mistake he made was borrowing Bret Favre's phone...

[BubbleGumTiger]

If the NBA doesn't settle soon the world's population could hit 8 billion by august...

[ZacBrownBand]

Things longer than Kim Kardashian's Wedding:

The time it takes an Asian to solve a math problem
The trick-or-treat line outside Casey Anthony's home
Any of Brett Favre's "retirements"
The line at the DMV
The time it takes to read this
The NBA lockout
Dora the Explorers pause when she is waiting for you to ask a question
The amount a characters allowed per tweet
However long it took to find Nemo
This list
The number of topics posted under swimming on SEOPS
the time it took Rebecca Black to choose a seat
The battery life of an iPhone
The 2011 East Coast Earthquake
The name "Kardashian"
Licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop
Justin Bieber's Hair
Kim's resume and list of reasons why she is famous
The flavor in gum
The time it takes to untangle your headphones when they've been in your pocket
A New York minute
Titanic
A dogs attention span
The drive from Rigdewood to Lucasville
The Colts win streak
The memory of a goldfish
the time it takes to google 'Do a barrel roll'
A minute when you're outside the bathroom door
The number of times TBS plays "A Christmas Story" in a row

[BubbleGumTiger]

Be honest. Have you ever looked at a couple and wondered what they saw in each other that made them think they should reproduce?

[BubbleGumTiger]

Cleavage: Something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I guess Herman Cain has his own idea of what a "stimulus" package should be...

[BubbleGumTiger]

How does soaking Flintstones Gummys in vodka not make perfect sense????

[BubbleGumTiger]

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

[footballfanatic1]

not possible... man what will technoligy com up with next???

[bigtimehitter]

What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

A:Pneumonia

[BubbleGumTiger]

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

[BubbleGumTiger]

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible
permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he
wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and eventually rose
to the rank of General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.


One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The
first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the
interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?
"The young officer answered, 'why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that
you have no ears." The General got very angry at this lack of tact and threw
him out.




The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better.
The General asked her the same question, " Do you notice anything different
about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her
out also.



The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked
extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined
(surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same
question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the
Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contact lenses." The General was very
impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't
mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General
asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear
glasses with no ears."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

[BubbleGumTiger]

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

[BubbleGumTiger]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

' Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need
all your children's names.'

''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are
all named Leighroy."

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named
Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time
for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!'

An' they all comes a running. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running
into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest
idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and
says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the
whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names..'

[BubbleGumTiger]

An apparent drunken cowboy lay sprawled across Three entire seats in a posh Amarillo theater. When the usher came by and noticed him, He whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, Sir, But you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy just groaned but didn't even budge. The usher became more impatient and insistent: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, And in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, But without success. He just laid there in a dazed stupor. Finally they had enough and summoned the police. A Texas Ranger arrived, surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "Alright buddy what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya all from, Sam?"asked the Ranger. With terrible pain in his voice, a grim expression And without moving a muscle, Sam said, "The Balcony."