Jokes Or Funny Stories

[1974Viking]

Hillbilly Mirror:

After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his
life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever
having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,
How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on
the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he
hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,
he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.


One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found
the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's runnin' around with

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[noreply66]

Hillbilly Mirror:

After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his
life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever
having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,
How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on
the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he
hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,
he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.


One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found
the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly witch
he's runnin' around with

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this is a good one-lol

[1974Viking]

Subject: Redneck Marketing


A gas station owner in a out of the way gas station, was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Every Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time, the proprietor said," Sorry, it was 3, you were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray, it ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."

[gametime]

JOKE OF THE YEAR














Two Women were sitting quietly together,
minding their own business.

[BubbleGumTiger]

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink..

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered































'THE TEETH.'

[noreply66]

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink..

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered































'THE TEETH.'

This is me and my girlfriend--but it is a chicken sandwich--lol

[Leo Byrd]

> Girlfriends' Lunch Out
>
> A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they
> should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they
> should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters
> there were very good looking.
>
> Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again
> discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
> agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant
> because the food there was very good, the wine selection was
> good also, and the waiters were cute.
>
> Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again
> discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
> agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant
> because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the
> restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the
> waiters were sweet boys.
>
> Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again
> discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
> agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant
> because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, they even
> had an elevator, and the waiters were kindly.
>
> Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again
> discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
> agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant
> because they had never been there before.

[1974Viking]

> Girlfriends' Lunch Out
>
> A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they
> should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they
> should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters
> there were very good looking.
>
> Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again
> discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
> agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant
> because the food there was very good, the wine selection was
> good also, and the waiters were cute.
>
> Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again
> discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
> agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant
> because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the
> restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the
> waiters were sweet boys.
>
> Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again
> discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
> agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant
> because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, they even
> had an elevator, and the waiters were kindly.
>
> Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again
> discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
> agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant
> because they had never been there before.

Nice One LB :122246 :aaaaa41

[BubbleGumTiger]

Mom's Memory


This is so beautiful.....


A little boy said to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there Barack! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark

[1974Viking]

Mom's Memory


This is so beautiful.....


A little boy said to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there Barack! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark

TTT. Now that is funny my friend.

[BubbleGumTiger]

'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'

[1974Viking]

Childbirth at 65


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES


English ...................................................I Love You

Spanish................................................ Te Amo

French................................................. Je T'aime

German................................................. Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese ..............................................Ai Shite Imasu

Italian.................................................. Ti Amo

Chinese................................................ Wo Ai Ni

Swedish................................................ Jag Alskar Dig

Lithuanian............................................. As Tave Meliu

Kentucky, West Virginia, Michigan...............Nice boobs -- Get in the Truck.

[noreply66]

"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES


English ...................................................I Love You

Spanish................................................ Te Amo

French................................................. Je T'aime

German................................................. Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese ..............................................Ai Shite Imasu

Italian.................................................. Ti Amo

Chinese................................................ Wo Ai Ni

Swedish................................................ Jag Alskar Dig

Lithuanian............................................. As Tave Meliu

Kentucky, West Virginia, Michigan...............Nice boobs -- Get in the Truck.

I went to a home Michigan game once so I know it works

[1974Viking]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic


Stimulus' payment.



This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:




* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will
go to China or Sri Lanka ..


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the
Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or
China ..



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala ...



* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ..




* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ..



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )



Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.



Remeber , this is only a joke.....

[KVDW]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic


Stimulus' payment.



This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:




* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will
go to China or Sri Lanka ..


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the
Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or
China ..



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala ...



* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ..




* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ..



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )



Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.



Remeber , this is only a joke.....

could have fooled me...........

[BubbleGumTiger]

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.


Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly

[nybucknut]

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now... the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(Y A THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, "yeah... right!")

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!

Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.

I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With me next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to t he inside of my butt cheek.

(Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPP!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!!!

Another deep breathe and RRIIPP!!

Everything is swirly and spotted.

I think I may pass out... must stay conscious...

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...

OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, wh ich i s now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!!

I hear the slamming of a cell door.

"hoo-hoo"? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!

I get in the tub- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment- I sit.

Now, the only th ing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together a n d then glued to the bottom of the tub.. in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few moths ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YE AH!!!! RIGHT! !!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various sol ut ions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... the lotion the give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice t o my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!

So I recklessly sh ave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.... Now thats funny...... Notttt.

[BubbleGumTiger]

The old cowboy

One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just
before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were
spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were worn and
ragged. In his hand he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn,
dog-eared Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive
part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old
cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with
expensive clothes and fine jewelry. As the cowboy took a seat, the others
moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were
all appalled by his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher
approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back
in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be
appropriate attire for worship in church." The old cowboy assured the
preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing
the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely
shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the cowboy and said, "I thought
I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"And what was his reply?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that he didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said he'd never been in this church."

[BubbleGumTiger]

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.


"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
"Well, sh!t, that explains why no one was at church today."