Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes

[BubbleGumTiger]

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

[BubbleGumTiger]

For Immediate Release:

Effective Jan 1, 2013, aspirin will be heavily taxed under Obamacare.
The only explanation given was that they are white and they work. No
other reason was given, but I thought you'd want to know about it......

[BubbleGumTiger]

Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

[BubbleGumTiger]

Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

[BubbleGumTiger]

. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:

"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

[mustang_lvr]

probably thought those fs were for fine

[TRENCHFOOT]

:122245

[BubbleGumTiger]

In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:

"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

[mustang_lvr]

how do some of these people get through school

[TRENCHFOOT]

:122245

[mustang_lvr]

seems like if you go to school free and are good you do not have to study [at some schools]

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man goes to the toy store to buy his daughter a birthday present.
Being a real macho guy, he has no idea what to get her so he asks
for some assistance from a clerk.

"I thought I'd buy her a doll", he says, "but which one should I get?"

"Well, here we have some of the more popular ones. we have the Malibu
Barbie for $12.00, which comes with a bathing suit and a towel. We have
the Ballerina Barbie for $23.00, which comes with a tutu and a cassette.
We have the Aerobics Barbie for $30.00, which comes with a leotard and
a workout CD. And we have the new Divorce, Barbie for $1500.00."

The man was flabbergasted. "Why does that one cost so much more
than the others?"

"Oh well that's easy.", replied the clerk, "This Barbie comes with Ken's
car, Ken's boat, Ken's house, Ken's..."

[mustang_lvr]

we women

[BubbleGumTiger]

Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.

She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.

"I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway."

Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish--but good."

[BubbleGumTiger]

"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria."

"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."

[mustang_lvr]

"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria."

"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

[robycop3]

Q: Whaddya call the Michigan cheerleading corps?
A: A complete set of teeth