Before I get called a sexist and all that other garbage from the non humor types, this is a joke and only a joke. It is to illicit laughter, so get over yourself.
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side
Now here are the rules from the male side..
These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
To give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
To give them a bigger laugh.
Humor
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Orange and Brown
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dazed&confused
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Re: Humor
I've seen this many times and it is still funny. I'd add that the reason men can't read between the lines is because nothing is printed there.
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dazed&confused
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Re: Humor
A Biker Request
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
' Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish.. '
The biker pulled over and said, ' Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. '
The Lord said, ' Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind. '
The biker thought about it for a long time.. Finally, he said, ' Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. '
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge? '
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
' Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish.. '
The biker pulled over and said, ' Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. '
The Lord said, ' Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind. '
The biker thought about it for a long time.. Finally, he said, ' Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. '
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge? '
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F-4 Phantom
- Varsity
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- Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2009 4:39 pm
Re: Humor
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
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F-4 Phantom
- Varsity
- Posts: 604
- Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2009 4:39 pm
Re: Humor
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
With his secretary.
One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery..
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.
'I have something to show
You won't believe,' he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
When she heard her husband
Opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired As he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for four hours at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that will be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
With your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
To his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying.. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace..
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
Her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
A married man was having an affair
With his secretary.
One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery..
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.
'I have something to show
You won't believe,' he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
When she heard her husband
Opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired As he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for four hours at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that will be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
With your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
To his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying.. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace..
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
Her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
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F-4 Phantom
- Varsity
- Posts: 604
- Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2009 4:39 pm
Re: Humor
The Funeral Procession
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Be hind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.
''What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Be hind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.
''What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.
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bigtimehitter
- All Conference
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cghornet10
- JV Team
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The_Legend_of_Northwest
- All State
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