Jokes Or Funny Stories

[robycop3]

A Buckeye stopped at a rural Wolverine gas station, and he began talking to the proprietor. "Sir, can you tell me what that big building down the street is, that has an historical site sign in the yard?" He replied, "Yeah, that used to be the biggest bawdy house around, almost 200 years ago, until the gal who operated it all by herself got so filthy rich that she decided to take her money and build a town with a college in it. Her name was Ann Arbor."

[mustang_lvr]

that is good

[dazed&confused]

Talking Dog for sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
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.'Because he's a liar. He never left the yard.

[BubbleGumTiger]

12 Types of People on Facebook


All of us on Facebook have at least one of each of these types of friends on our list:

1) The "Rooster" -- Always tells Facebook "Good Morning" every day.

2) The "Lurker" -- Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status when seeing you in public.

3) The "Hyena" -- Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.

4) "Mr/Ms Popular" -- Has 4,367 friends for NO reason.

5) The "Gamer" -- Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Farmville, and Bejeweled Blitz, and bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc. (ALL DAY).

6) The "Cynic" -- Hates his life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of his status updates.

7) The "Collector" -- Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.

8) The "Promoter" -- Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.

9) The "Liker" -- Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button.

10) "Drama Queen/King" -- This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!" or "They gonna make me snap today!" in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong ... but then never finishes telling the story.

11) The "News" -- Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and lastly...

12) The "Thief" -- Steals status updates ... and will probably steal this one ...

[BubbleGumTiger]

The "BE" Attitudes


Be loyal to your friends.

Be strong enough to face the world each day.

Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone.

Be generous to those who need your help.

Be frugal with that you need yourself.

Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything.

Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.

Be willing to share your joys.

Be willing to share the sorrows of others.

Be a leader when you see a path others have missed.

Be a follower when you are shrouded by the mists of uncertainty.

Be first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds.

Be last to criticize a colleague who fails.

Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not tumble.

Be sure of your final destination, in case you are going the wrong way.

Be loving to those who love you.

Be loving to those who do not love you; they may change.

Above all, be yourself.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.
~ Read less. Makes you think.
~ Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.
~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world's largest ball of twine.
~ Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
~ Stop bringing lunch from home--eat out more.
~ Don't have eight children at once.
~ Get in a whole NEW rut!
~ Start being superstitious.
~ Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.
~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
~ Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.
~ Create loose ends.
~ Get more toys.
~ Get further in debt.
~ Don't believe politicians.
~ Break at least one traffic law.
~ Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
~ Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
~ Wait for opportunity to knock.
~ Focus on the faults of others.
~ Mope about faults.
~ Never make New Year's resolutions again.

[noreply66]

My resolution was to not make a dumb post again but it just didn't happen.lol

[BubbleGumTiger]

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't "

[mustang_lvr]

that was quick

[BubbleGumTiger]

During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in
one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the
story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a
good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in
ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than
let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still
damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's
helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss,
obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten
minutes."

[noreply66]

This is for sure

[BubbleGumTiger]

A long time ago, a visitor from out of town went on a tour of Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived at Battery Park, the guide showed the visitor some nice yachts anchoring there and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers."

"And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

[noreply66]

A long time ago, a visitor from out of town went on a tour of Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived at Battery Park, the guide showed the visitor some nice yachts anchoring there and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers."

"And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

Parked at Lake Logan with their ten horse power motors.

[TRENCHFOOT]

:122245

[BubbleGumTiger]

A long time ago, a visitor from out of town went on a tour of Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived at Battery Park, the guide showed the visitor some nice yachts anchoring there and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers."

"And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

Parked at Lake Logan with their ten horse power motors.

or at the Ironton boat dock with 2 oars...........

[BubbleGumTiger]

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:
"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

[TRENCHFOOT]

:aaaaa24

[BubbleGumTiger]

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a
normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek
from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied ... “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

[TRENCHFOOT]

:aaaaa24