Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why did God make mothers?

. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.


What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

[noreply66]

What? Your mother is staying another month.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

[noreply66]

Coffee----------A person that is coughed upon

[noreply66]

Flabbergasted-----Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

[Leo Byrd]

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given to the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I discovered that my husband was having an affair with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging
Out of the waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'


"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'



'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[noreply66]

Abdicate----To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

[noreply66]

What happens if you touch these two wires tog-

[BubbleGumTiger]

If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church

A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

[noreply66]

Esplanade:---To attempt an explanation while drunk.

[noreply66]

Negligent:---Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

[BubbleGumTiger]

An aide for a cabinet member( Jan et Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .
I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he
wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between
gates to save time.''

[noreply66]

Lymph---------To Talk with a lisp

[noreply66]

gargoyle---An olive-flovored mouthwash

[noreply66]

Nobody who can read is ever successful at cleaning out the attic.

[noreply66]

Flatulence--The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are ran over by a steamroller.