Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Miller & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab what is available.

[noreply66]

Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to him.

Jerry Falwell

[BubbleGumTiger]

Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

[noreply66]

I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.

George W. Bush...May 2004

[BubbleGumTiger]

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

[noreply66]

He is Purple-the gay-pride color,and his antenna is shaped like a triangle-the gay pride symbol.


Jerry Falwell warning that Tinky Winky was secretly trying to turn kids into homosexuals.

[BubbleGumTiger]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go friggin' ballistic.

Then Bill noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.

The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I’m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "darn, let's have another look at that dog!"

[noreply66]

For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex.....uh.....setbacks.


George H. W. Bush.....1988

[BubbleGumTiger]

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

[noreply66]

We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada. And I think now, isn't that ironic.

Sarah Palin in 2010 admitting that her family used to get treatment in Canada's single-payer healthcare system, despite demonized such government-run programs as socialized medicine that will lead to death-panel-like rationing

[BubbleGumTiger]

Subject: FW: The Senior Years


A group of seniors were sitting around talking over coffee
about all their ailments at the local Starbuck’s.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift
this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad;
I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time,
my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said one elderly lady!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,"
winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully....

"Thank God we can all still drive."

[noreply66]

Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life.

Orrin Hatch taking about his support for the death penalty

[BubbleGumTiger]

From "The Manitoba Herald"

Crisis at the U.S. - Canadian Border


The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republicans winning the Senate is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to the Constitution.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

[noreply66]

It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.

George W. Bush 2006

[Leo Byrd]

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Hattie & many friends ~ celebrating her 101st Birthday.

Parkersburg reporter:
Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

Hattie:
For better digestion ~ I drink a little beer.
In the case of appetite loss ~ I drink a little white wine.
For low blood pressure ~ I drink a little red wine.
In the case of high blood pressure ~ just one big drink of scotch whiskey.
And when I have a cold ~ I sip peppermint schnapps.

Reporter: When do you drink water?
Hattie: Oh thank the Lord, I ain't never been THAT sick!

[Runner]

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.

[noreply66]

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.

This is a good one

[BubbleGumTiger]

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her
US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad..'