Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

[BubbleGumTiger]

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

[BubbleGumTiger]

> Seriously, Senator Reid has a face of a Saint - A Saint
> Bernard. Now I know why they call you the arithmetic man.
> You add partisanship, subtract pleasure, divide attention,
> and multiply ignorance. Reid is so physically unimposing, he
> makes Pee Wee Herman look like Mr. T. And Reid's so
> dumb, he makes Speaker Pelosi look like an intellectual.
> Nevada is soooo screwed! If I were less polite, I'd say
> Reid makes Kevin Federline look successful.

[Runner]

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

[noreply66]

If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being...........Rev. Jerry Falwell

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was driving last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in
Chicago. People were calling in very upset about the goat's head that
was sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.

Then some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you people so
upset 'cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field?

Aren't you Chicagoans the same guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House?"

I almost ran off the road

[noreply66]

I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound large mouth bass in my lake.

George W. Bush when ask in 2006 about his best moment in office.


Now isn't that the truth

[BubbleGumTiger]

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

[BubbleGumTiger]

What disease did cured ham actually have?

[BubbleGumTiger]

>
>
> The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the
> pub just outside the Naval Air Station. A ragged old Marine pilot was
> standing near the edge with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle. A
> curious young Navy fighter pilot came by and asked what he was doing.
> 'Fishing,' the old guy simply said. 'Poor old fool,' the Navy fighter
> jock thought, so he invited the ragged old pilot into the pub and
> bought him a drink. As he felt he should start some conversation
> while they were sipping their whisky, the cocky young fighter pilot
> asked, "So, how many have you caught today?' 'You're the eighth,' the old Marine pilot answered.

[BubbleGumTiger]

--



Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with
his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me,
and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!
You're running for President of the United States!!

Act like one.




--

[noreply66]

I don't know anybody that I can think of who has contended that the Iraqis had nuclear weapons.

Donald Rumsfeld....6/24/03

[Charley Hustle]

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" |

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Speaking of the Speaker... Nancy Pelosi, hubba, hubba! Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
Seriously, the ex- Speaker may look & talk like and idiot, but don't let that fool you. She really is an idiot.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Barney Frank

... he's a better actor than Fred Flintstone. Consider
that he and Dodd caused the whole financial meltdown, and
they're not only not serving time with Bubba and Rodney,
they're still heading up the financial system! Let's
all admit it ... Barney Frank slobbers more than a sheepdog
on Novocain. How did this guy get elected? Oh, that's
right ... he's from Massachusetts . That's the state
that elects Mr. Charisma, John Kerry -- man of the people!

[noreply66]

We're not sexists, we're chauvinists--we're male chauvinist pigs, and we're happy to be because we think that's what men were destined to be. We think that's what women want.

Rush Limbaugh

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was driving last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in
Chicago. People were calling in very upset about the goat's head that
was sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.

Then some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you people so
upset 'cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field?

Aren't you Chicagoans the same guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House?"

[noreply66]

I'll tell you why [religion is] not a scam, in my opinion. Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can't explain that. You can't explain why the tide goes in.

Fox News host Bill O'Reilly, attempting to prove the existence of God.

What does Alabama going in to the locker room at halftime and coming out for the 2nd half have to do with religion?

[BubbleGumTiger]

Early one morning an elderly retired
veteran just finished a piece of artwork he had been working on and
yelled to his wife,
"Honey! Come see what I created!
It's an abstract panorama depicting the six years of the Obama
Administration!"
She yelled back, "Flush the toilet
Herman and come eat your breakfast!!!"