Jokes Or Funny Stories

[noreply66]

Sex and politics are a lot alike. You don't have to be good at them to enjoy it.

Barry Goldwater

[BubbleGumTiger]

. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

[BubbleGumTiger]

!!!!!!!!!!!! Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight a$$ with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's out on the deck drinking beer - who shall I say is calling?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Barney Frank

... he's a better actor than Fred Flintstone. Consider
that he and Dodd caused the whole financial meltdown, and
they're not only not serving time with Bubba and Rodney,
they're still heading up the financial system! Let's
all admit it ... Barney Frank slobbers more than a sheepdog
on Novocain. How did this guy get elected? Oh, that's
right ... he's from Massachusetts . That's the state
that elects Mr. Charisma, John Kerry -- man of the people!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

[noreply66]

See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.

George W. Bush....2005

[robycop3]

An ISIS general was leading his troops thru a desert when a voice hollered from behind a sand dune, "One US marine is better than ten ISIS diaper-heads!" The general instantly sent ten of his best men to silence that voice. they disappeared over the dune, there was a lotta shooting, then silence for a little bit.

Then, a voice hollered from behind that dune, "One US Marine is better than 100 ISIS camel jockeys!" Enraged, the general sent 100 of his best men over the dune. There was a lot more shooting, several explosions, then silence for a little while.

Then, a voice hollered from behind the dune, One US Marine is better than a whole regiment of ISIS incest-practitioners!" SUPER-enraged, the general sent a whole regiment over the dune. There was a lot more shooting, explosions, smoke & flames, then silence.

But one man crawled over the dune, & the ISIS ran to him, to find it was one of their own, fatally wounded. With his dying breath, he gasped our, "General don't send any more men over there! it's a TRAP! There's TWO Marines!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A liberal's paradise would be a place where
everybody has guaranteed
employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education,
free food,



free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law
enforcement has
guns.



And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already
exist: It's called
Prison."



Sheriff Joe Arpaio

[BubbleGumTiger]

-----

--


Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

"I'm takin' Earlene with me."

[TRENCHFOOT]

[BubbleGumTiger]

Barney Frank

... he's a better actor than Fred Flintstone. Consider
that he and Dodd caused the whole financial meltdown, and
they're not only not serving time with Bubba and Rodney,
they're still heading up the financial system! Let's
all admit it ... Barney Frank slobbers more than a sheepdog
on Novocain. How did this guy get elected? Oh, that's
right ... he's from Massachusetts . That's the state
that elects Mr. Charisma, John Kerry -- man of the people!

[noreply66]

What do you think about that

Sen. Larry Craig [R-ID], after handing his Senate business card to the police officer who arrested him for attempting to solicit sex in a Minneapolis airport men's room....2007

[BubbleGumTiger]

Almost As Smart As Joe Biden

Harvard educated First Lady Michelle Obama reminded attendees of a
naturalization ceremony Wednesday that the Founding Fathers weren't born
in America . The ceremony for 50 new U.S. citizens was held at the National
Archives in Washington , D.C

She said during her speech, referring to the Declaration of Independence,
"It's amazing that just a few feet from here where I'm standing are the
signatures of the 56 Founders who put their names on a Declaration that
changed the course of history, and like the 50 of you, none of them were
born American - they became American."

Excuse me? Did she actually mean that those who signed the Declaration
of Independence and participated in the drafting of the Constitution were
not born in America ?

Benjamin Franklin was born in Pennsylvania and Thomas Jefferson,
George Washington, and James Madison were born in Virginia .
John Adams was born in Massachusetts . Only eight of the 56 were not
born in America .

Surely she knew this. But, then again, maybe not. After all, she is a
Harvard graduate. Isn't she?

"Life is tough. It's tougher when you're stupid!"

[noreply66]

"I have opinions of my own.....strong opinions....but I don't always agree with them.

George H. W. Bush

[Charley Hustle]

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use any STD protective devises the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his manhood covered with bright green and purple
spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I got bad news for you, you?ve contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US and we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're Going to have to amputate your manhood."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want,but surgery is your only option."


The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Wery ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate..!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs , I really respect you ...
Especially given your upbringing ~ All you've overcome.
I heard your birth certificate is an apology from the condom
factory. I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it
really works for you. Personally, I don't think
you're a fool, but what's my opinion compared to
that of thousands of others?

[BubbleGumTiger]

Barney Frank

... he's a better actor than Fred Flintstone. Consider
that he and Dodd caused the whole financial meltdown, and
they're not only not serving time with Bubba and Rodney,
they're still heading up the financial system! Let's
all admit it ... Barney Frank slobbers more than a sheepdog
on Novocain. How did this guy get elected? Oh, that's
right ... he's from Massachusetts . That's the state
that elects Mr. Charisma, John Kerry -- man of the people!

[noreply66]

I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I'm more honest and my women are more beautiful.

Mr. Trump

[BubbleGumTiger]

Do you know what happened 165 years ago this summer....September 9, 1850?
California became a state!
The people had no electricity, the state had no money and almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically NOTHING has changed except back then the women had real t!ts and the men didn't hold hands.
And that, my friends, is your history lesson for today!

[BubbleGumTiger]

There were four churches and a
synagogue in a small Ohio town: a Presbyterian church, a
Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a
Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a
problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do
about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration
they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there
and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The
deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the
baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the
slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so
twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's
creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set
them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the
squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the
squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now
they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish
synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel
and circumcised him and they haven't seen a squirrel on
their property since.

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