Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Thought for The Day:

Once we had George Bush, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope......... Now we have Obama, no Cash and no Hope...

[biggdowgg]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[BubbleGumTiger]

Holiday Greetings


To My Democrat Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or
explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially
responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the
winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of
the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your
choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions
of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted
calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice
of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America
great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other
country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is
made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability,
religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

[Charley Hustle]

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


1. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs always find you amusing.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[OZZIEOHIO]

Thought for The Day:

Once we had George Bush, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope......... Now we have Obama, no Cash and no Hope...

[BubbleGumTiger]

1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico ..

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. . Air Force and other federal agencies and Organizations

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.

It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know.

[BubbleGumTiger]

HOW IS NORMA?......

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly
asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room
302..'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse. After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very
well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as
normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged
on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your
daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me
sh!t.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my kids and I were sitting on the porch
and I said to them, 'I never want to live in
a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my Bud Light.

They can be such asses ...

[BubbleGumTiger]

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your A$$ )

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when He notices a frog sitting next to The green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club Away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, he?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog. The man decides to take the frog with Him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!

Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I Should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across The table.The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you ,You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.

"And that's how the girl ended up in My room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

[noreply66]

[BubbleGumTiger]

Observations on Growing Older


~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good. .............Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"... .................they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount you paid full price. ........................Now you get discounts on everything .......movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names ......... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ......... especially golf.

~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. .....It's called his "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said .............."Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married .. Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You used to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?" ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M. ...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.


~Now that your husband has retired ... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things: old songs ...........old movies......... And best of all OLD FRIENDS!!

[OZZIEOHIO]

[biggdowgg]

A redhead was well over the speed limit when she asked her blonde passenger, “See any cops behind us?” The blonde turned around for a long look. “Hey, yeah, I do.” “Damn!” said the redhead. “Are his flashers on?” The blonde replied, “Yep, nope. Yep, nope. Yep, nope.”

[biggdowgg]

“Doc, you’ve got to help me,” said the cute young redhead. “I hurt all over.” “What do you mean?” asked the doctor. She touched her right knee with her finger. “Ow, that hurts.” She touched her left cheek. “Ow, that really hurts!” Then she touched her shoulder. “OW! Even THAT hurts!” The doctor grew suspicious. “Are you a natural blonde?” he asked. “Why, yes,” she replied. “how did you know?” “Oh, lucky guess,” said the doctor. “You have a sprained finger.”

[OZZIEOHIO]

[BubbleGumTiger]

The Wizard of Oz


Is 70 years old.

Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage -

She wouldn't be in Oz...

She'd be in Congress!

[The Instructor]

Observations on Growing Older


~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good. .............Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"... .................they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount you paid full price. ........................Now you get discounts on everything .......movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names ......... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ......... especially golf.

~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. .....It's called his "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said .............."Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married .. Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You used to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?" ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M. ...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.


~Now that your husband has retired ... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things: old songs ...........old movies......... And best of all OLD FRIENDS!!

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

My mom has been saying this since she was 35!

[The Instructor]

A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when He notices a frog sitting next to The green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club Away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, he?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog. The man decides to take the frog with Him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!

Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I Should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across The table.The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you ,You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.

"And that's how the girl ended up in My room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."