Jokes Or Funny Stories

[farmer]

I get this poem every winter & every winter I love re-reading it. It's a beautiful poem and very well written. Thought it might be a comfort to you, it was to me. ENJOY!






WINTER






Fu$k!
It's cold!
The End..

[noreply66]

good

[BubbleGumTiger]

Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases.



"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."


" U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club."


"Water-boarding is out, so kill them all!"


"Interrogators can't water-board dead guys"


" U.S. Marines - Travel Agents To Allah"


"Stop Global Whining"


"When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"


"The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"


"Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back"


"Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!"



"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil"


"Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"


"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"


"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"


"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden - It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"


"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl"


"One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support"


"Do Draft-Dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?"


"My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College"


"Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume"


"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers"


"If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran"


"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the Marines don't have that problem." ...Ronald Reagan

[reliob]

Floyd calls the Sherriff and tells the deputy that answered that his neighbor Virgil was hiding marijuana in the firewood in his shed. The deputy asked how in the world does he get the marijuana in the logs ,and floyd says i dont know but he does it somehow.Soon after a bunch of deputys show up with axes and proceed to chop up every stick of wood looking for the illegal substance,finding none they sneer at virgil and leave.A little while later virgils phone rings and when he answers Floyd asks him if the Sherriff has been there, virgil answers yes,then Floyd asks did they chop up all your firewood, and again virgil answers yes, then Floyd says HAPPY BIRTHDAY ole bud!!!!!!!!!! Never underestimate a redneck they can GIT R DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[biggdowgg]

[BubbleGumTiger]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are
you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. to find out what par is for this darn hole "

[noreply66]

[BubbleGumTiger]

NEW KFC DINNER



We all remember the "Hillary Meal"--- small breasts and big thighs.



Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.



It's called the Obama Cabinet Bucket.---



It consists of nothing but left wings and arseholes.

[BubbleGumTiger]

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man goes to the Pittsburgh Steelers ticket office and inquires about purchasing play-off tickets. The ticket teller replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Steelers did not make it to the play-offs.

The following day the same man goes to the Pittsburgh Steeler ticket office and inquires about purchasing Steeler play-off tickets. The ticket teller politely replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Steelers did not make it to the play-offs. This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Steeler ticket office inquiring about play-off tickets and the teller says none are for sale because the Steelers did not make it to the play-offs. Another week of this goes by and the man still is asking the ticket teller about Steeler play-off tickets. Finally the ticket teller in a loud voice says, I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS THERE WERE NOT ANY TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE STEELERS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS.

The man replied, "I know. I drive all the way from Cleveland just to hear you say that!"

[Charley Hustle]

God and the Scientist

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally
figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other
words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me," replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it
into your likeness and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no," interrupts God. "Get your own dirt."

[gametime]

LORD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had
to kill because they pissed me off.

[gametime]

Deer Hunt

1:00 am The alarm clock rings.
2:00 am Hunting partner arrives and drags you out of bed.
3:00 am throw everything except sink into truck.
3:05 am leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am Drive back home and pickup gun.
3:20 am Drive like heck to get to the woods before daylight.
4:30 am Set up camp -forgot tent.
5:00 am Head into woods.
6:15 am See eight deer, take aim, squeese trigger, ''click''.
6:16 am Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am Head back to camp.
9:00 am Still looking for camp.
10:00 am Still looking for camp.
10:30 am ''lost'' fire gun for help.
11:00 am Fire gun again and again.
noon Ran out of shells-eight deer came back.
12:30 pm Ate wild berries.
12:45 pm Strange feeling in stomach.
1:00 pm Rescured-rushed to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm Arrived back at camp.
3:30 pm Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 pm Returned to camp for shells.
4:01 pm Load gun-leave camp to kill deer.
5:15 pm Shoot squirrel thats been bugging you.
6:00 pm Arrive back at camp-deer grazing at camp.
6:01 pm Take aim squeeze trigger- one dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm Repress strong desire to shoot hunting partner.
6:07 pm Fall into fire hunting partner laughs.
6:10 pm Change clothes throw burned clothes into fire.
6:15 pm Take pickup leave partner and deer in the woods.
6:25 pm Truck boiles over---hole shot in radiator.
6:30 pm Stumble and fall drop gun into mud.
6:35 pm Meet bear.
6:36 pm Take aim-fire gun , blow up barrel,plugged with mud.
6:37 pm Mess pants.
6:38 pm Climb tree.
9:00 pm Bear finally leaves.
9:05 pm Wrap gun around tree.
11:30 pm Home at last!
sunday Watch football game,slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces,place in envelope
and mail to the Department of Resources, Division of Wildlife with very close instructions
on where to stick it!!!!!

[gametime]

A COUPLE , AGE 67, WENT TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE. THE DOCTOR ASKED, ''WHAT CAN I DO
FOR YOU?'' THE MAN SAID, ''WILL YOU WATCH US HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE? '' THE DOCTOR
LOOKED PUZZLED BUT AGREED. WHEN THE COUPLE HAD FINISHED THE DOCTOR SAID, '' THERE IS
NOTHING WRONG WITH THE WAY YOU HAVE INTERCOURSE '' AND CHARGED THEM $32.00.
THIS HAPPENED SEVERAL WEEKS IN A ROW. THE COUPLE WOULD MAKE AN APPOINTMENT,HAVE INTERCOURSE, PAY THE DOCTOR AND LEAVE. FINALLY THE DOCTOR ASKED, '' JUST WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO FIND OUT? '' THE OLD MAN SAID, ''WE'RE NOT TRYING TO FIND OUT ANYTHING. SHE IS MARRIED AND WE CAN'T GO TO HER HOUSE. I AM MARRIED SO WE CAN'T GO TO MY HOUSE.
THE HOLIDAY INN CHARGES $60.00 THE HILTON CHARGES $78.00 WE DO IT HERE FOR $32:00 AND I GET $28.00 FROM MEDICARE FOR A VISIT TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

[gametime]

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS OF LIFE

1 why do you need a driver license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
2 why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
3 why are there interstates in hawaii?
4 why are there floatation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
5 why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
6 have you ever imagined a world without bypotbetical situarions?
7 how does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
8 if the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day 365 days a year,why does it have locks on the doors?
9 if nothing ever sticks to teflon,how do they get teflon to stick to the pan?
10 if a cow laughs,does milk come out of her nose?
11 if you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on,what happens?
12 why do they put braille dots on keypads of a drive-up atm?
13 why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
14 why is a bra singular and panties plural?
15 why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment,but when you
transport something by ship it is called cargo?
16 you know that indestructable black box that is used on airplanes,why don't they make
the whole plane out of that stuff?
17 why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
18 why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
19 if con is the opposite of pro,is congress the opposite of progress?
20 if they squeeze olives to get olive oil,how do they get baby oil?
21 if flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[gametime]

IT NEVER FAILS:

If it has Tires,
or Testicles,
It's gonna cause you trouble !!!!!!!

[BubbleGumTiger]

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.

[TheMalteseFalcon]

SHE: Honey, I'd like to get a breast implant to give me a better figure.

HE: I think I may have an easier and cheaper solution. Each morning when you get up, just rub a few sheets of toilet paper between your breasts.

SHE: What makes you think that will work and make them bigger ?

HE: It worked for your arse didn't it?

[BubbleGumTiger]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[vids4ckcrash]

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE...

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."