Jokes Or Funny Stories

[The Instructor]

After Michigan coach Bo Schembechler passes away and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bo a little two bedroom house with a faded UM banner hanging from the front porch. This is your home now coach. Most people don't get their own house up here God exclaims.

Bo looked at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows.

Ohio state flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge scarlet and grey OSU banner hanging between the marble columns.

Thanks for the home God, but let me ask you a question.

I get this little two bedroom house with a faded UM Michigan banner, and Woody Hayes gets a mansion with new OSU banners and flags flying all over the place.

Why is that God?

God looks at him seriously for a moment then replies

"That's not Woody's house, That's mine"!!!!!!!

[The Instructor]

I really like this one!

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Ohio State grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Nittany Lions!" Seeing this the OSU grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Buckeyes!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.

[The Instructor]

A highly recruited high school football player was visiting schools to try and find the best college for him. His first stop was at Florida. When he got there, Urban Meyer immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God," and hung up.

This shocked the young man. He asked the coach what was so special about the golden phone.

"Well, this phone is a direct line to God. And God tells us whether or not new recruits would be stars at our university.

The athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he should pick

"Sure, you can! But it's going to cost you $1,000. Calling Heaven ain't cheap."

The fellow didn't have that kind of money, so he moved along.

His next stop was Michigan. Upon entering Rich Rodriguez's office, Coach Rodriguez immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up.

The boy said, "Hey, I've seen those phones before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should pick?" Rich said, "Sure, but it's going to cost you $750. Calling Heaven isn't cheap.."

Again, not having that kind of money, the lad left.

His last stop was in Columbus, Ohio. Upon arrival at the office, Coach Tressel picked up a golden telephone, talked to God, and said, "Thanks," and hung up.

The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, "Coach, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose.

From Florida it was going to cost me $1000. From Michigan they wanted $750. So how much will it cost me to call Heaven from here in Columbus?"

The coach smiled and said, "Nothing, Son. It's a local call."

[The Instructor]

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something.

I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan alumni.

The guy sitting next to me is 6 ' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Michigan alumni.

The fella next to him is 6 ' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Michigan alumni.

Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "NAH, not if I'm gonna have to explain it THREE times."

[The Instructor]

A farmer outside of Ann Arbor was working his cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf and was even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard the University of Michigan's fight song.

Amazed, he put the calf in the truck and drove the animal to a vet in Ann Arbor. When the vet asked him what was going on, the farmer told him. The vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen. He casually agreed he heard the University of Michigan's fight song but didn't seem particularly excited.

"Man, this is unbelievable! How can you stand there and not be amazed?" the farmer asked. The vet, a third generation Ohio State University graduate, said, "H*ll, Bud, I'm a Buckeye and I've been listening to *ssholes sing that song my whole life."

[The Instructor]

Go North till you smell it and West till you step in it.

You just found the University of Michigan. Clean your shoes off after the games.

[The Instructor]

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Michigan fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Michigan fans too.

Not really knowing what a Michigan fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. A little girl named Jane has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Michigan fan" she reports. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Ohio State Buckeye Fan" the girl said!

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Jane why she is an Ohio State Fan?

"Well, my Dad and Mom are Buckeye fans, so I'm a Buckeye fan, too," she responds. The teacher is angry now. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Jane smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Michigan fan."

[The Instructor]

One foggy night, a Buckeye fan was heading north from Columbus and a Michigan fan was driving south from Ann Arbor. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Michigan fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Buckeye fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Wolverine fan walks over to the Buckeye fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Buckeye fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Buckeye fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Wolverine, "I think this is another sign. We should toast to our newfound friendship." The Wolverine fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Wolverine fan hands it back to the Buckeye fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Buckeye fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

[abuck76]

The last one is the best............... ...wait for the cops........

The Buckeyes were playing at the wolverweenies. One of the buckeye players goes down with an ankle injury.....
The Buckeye trainer asks the Michigan Trainer for some ice..
The Michigan trainer says " we don't have any anymore.".....
The Buckeye said " Why not?"
The Michigan Trainer said the two guys who knew the formula graduated...............................

[The Instructor]

The last one is the best............... ...wait for the cops........

The Buckeyes were playing at the wolverweenies. One of the buckeye players goes down with an ankle injury.....
The Buckeye trainer asks the Michigan Trainer for some ice..
The Michigan trainer says " we don't have any anymore.".....
The Buckeye said " Why not?"
The Michigan Trainer said the two guys who knew the formula graduated...............................

[wildthingRV]

RIch Rodriguez is only dressing 20 players for the big game.




The rest can finally dress themselves.

[mstangmom]

[mstangmom]

A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual." He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars. The officer replies, "Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and the university has cut back on his recruiting budget. We're taking up a collection for him." The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

[mstangmom]

Three profs go to Tijuana. They had so much fun they were put in jail and, justice being what it is, were sentenced to death by electrocution. The first Prof sits in the chair. "Any last words?" "Yes, I'm from Northwestern and I'm ready to meet my God." But nothing happens when the switch is thrown and the Prof is released because it would be cruel and unusual to attempt a second execution. Next guy gets into the chair and announces he's from Ohio State, etc. and again nothing happens and he is released. The third Prof has been watching very closely. When he gets into the chair he says, "I'm from U. of Michigan and I'm an Electrical Engineer. And if you just connect those two wires..."

[mstangmom]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Go Michigan." "In that case, Use Hot Water , A box of Tide and Four Cups Bleach."

[mstangmom]

There was an Ohio State, Michigan, and Penn State fan in Iran. They got captured, and were going to be punished by the ruler. "I will give you all one wish before you get your 20 whips". The Penn State fan was first. "I wish for a pillow on my back". The pillow was put on his back, but it ripped after 10 whips. Next was the Michigan fan "I wish I had two pillows on my back." The pillows lasted through 15 whips. Next was the Ohio State fan. "Since you worship the best team, I will give you two wishes". "I wish I had 40 whips." "Why would you want to do that". "My second wish is that I have the Michigan fan put on my back."

[mstangmom]

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a Michigan jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Ohio State jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Wolverine fan from the water. Then using baseball bats, the three heroes in OSU Red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Buckeye and Michigan fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing.... how's the bait holding up?"

[mstangmom]

Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "He is an assistant coach for the Michigan Wolverines, but I was too embarrassed to say so."

[mstangmom]

A recent graduate of Ohio State moved to Dearborn, Michigan after accepting a great job. After becoming a citizen of Michigan she felt almost as if she betrayed her Ohioan background and ancestry. She had an apartment with a Michigan address and she winced whenever she looked at her Michigan driver's license. When she registered her vehicle she had an idea.

When her personalized license plate arrived for her car she beamed while she affixed them to her car. She was so proud she sent an instant message to her father right away. He was a proud Ohio State alumnus as well.

She typed, "Daddy I get my new personalized plates for my Mini today.

They are University of Michigan plates!"

"WHAT?" he replied, "You have to be joking"

"Nope, I'm totally serious. Let me send you the image."

Her father couldn't stop laughing after he viewed the picture of her car.

[mstangmom]

I read an article that says there is a real plate like that but it says MORONZ